December 18, 2022

i am trying to be healthier towards myself, but it's really hard when my default instinct is to apologize repeatedly out of fear of people abandoning me (that i get this way even towards my best friend of many years is concerning [my instinct is to preface that with "probably" even though it is undoubtedly definite]). i'm 29, went through an intensive out-patient program earlier this year, and yet...the mental illness. it's such a long unlearning process even once you're past the actively suicidal phase of it. it really would be easier to die in a lot of regards, but i don't want to die really. i love my cat and friends...i don't really want to die.

that's still a bit weird, to be honest. trying not to view "i want to die" as a morbid comfort is...hard? i'm still going pretty dang well since august in not self-harming in emotionally overwhelming situations. (i'm pretty proud tbh. the urge is pretty strong lmao.)

Media BS

1. i really liked omori. i seem to blank on further thoughts whenever i'm at a moment where i could speak more about it, but i really liked omori. aubrey is my girl...
2. reading vol. 3 of heaven official's blessing rn. the tl continues to be...eh? it's mid. i just love my grandpa...